April 9, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

Dating is difficult because he lives with his mother

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Dear Big Tipper,

I recently met a 21-year-old man whom I like very much. The problem is that I am 44 years old, and dating Maurice is difficult because he lives with his widowed mother, who is very protective of him. Maurice is a virgin who wants to lose that status to me, but can't seem to arrange anything because mom keeps up with his whereabouts constantly.

The age difference often

makes me feel like a pedophile.

I love Maurice very much and he feels

control, but he can think about how freedom and privacy would enhance his life. And that a loving and sane parent would want those things for her adult son. And, not to be a noodge, but if he came out to her, they could begin to talk about who he is as an adult.

BIG TIPS

the same way about me. Maurice is full of anxiety to lose his virgin status to me. I'm confused. What should I do?

Walking on Eggshells

Dear Chicken or the Egg,

Well, you may be a chickenhawk, but you're no pedophile. That feeling might be accentuated, though, by the fact that Maurice is living at home under the excruciatingly watchful eye of his momma.

If she needs care, then he's a good boy, and doing right by her. Could another sibling or one of mom's friends take care of her one day a week? If she just needs support, and he can afford it, it would probably be good for his personal development to have his own place, or just to be living on his own.

These, of course, are not things you can

Now, about the virginity thing. If you two are sweeties, don't let technicalities stand in the way of being together. I don't know what you mean when you say "virgin": Have you kissed, but gone no farther? Have you done everything but have penetrative anal sex? What-

ever.

If you can wrangle him into a smooch session, eventually, you'll both feel comfortable enough to do what will give you both pleasure. And there's got to be time for that makeout jam: His mom must think it's okay for him to "go out with the boys" every once in a while. Just have him make one of those dates with you.

Dear Big Tipper,

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, and her most recent exx-girlfriend

is unbearable. She's always taking me aside at events and telling me about trips she took with my girlfriend, and the "good old times. This goes on and on, and I can't stand to hear it one more time.

She is everywhere we are, and for some reason, besides all the attention she pays to my girlfriend, she spends even more with me. For the past year and a half I feel like I've acquired an un-asked-for, incredibly annoy-

ing, ever-present best friend, that I didn't have any part of choosing. What can I do, besides move?

Bored, Annoyed and Tortured

Dear She's Not Heavy, She's My Girlfriend's Ex,

An army of lovers may not be able to fail, but they sure make up the bulk of attendees at most community events, don't they? Either this woman is just a little nutty, and has no social skills (always possible), or she's not quite over/trying to get over your girlfriend, and she's taking you along for that therapy session.

Since she's not a friend of yours, it's probably not worth a direct confrontation, which could just make you look paranoid. You don't have to worry about alienating her, so use any trick that you would use at a party to disengage from an undesirable situation.

Say you just arrived and you desperately have to use the bathroom. Say you're parched and need to get a drink. "See" someone suddenly across the room whom you have to catch before she leaves to tell her something. If the ex pins you down again, escape again. If you're drinking at a party, you're going to keep having to pee.

Dear Big Tipper,

No one in the world could have a nicer boyfriend than I have, with a more annoying habit. He loves to talk to his friends (fine, so far), and if someone calls, he always takes the call, no matter what is going on.

He answers the phone when we're having sex, when we're arguing, when we're eating dinner, or watching a rented movie together. Then there I am, wondering if I should wait for him, or finish any of those activities by myself.

I tend to wait for him, because I enjoy doing those things with him more than doing them alone, but then I get mad. I've asked him to be more considerate of my feelings, but I think I need to be more specific.

Dear Hell-o-Phone,

Hanging on the Line

Jeez, that's rude. You tell your boyfriend this is what I say: If it's your grandma, and she doesn't call more than once a week, take that call. If it's long-distance, and you don't have the money to call back, take that call. If you are job hunting or you have a friend at death's door, always answer the phone.

Other than that, let the machine pick up, and check your messages when you're through with what you're doing. If that's too torturous, just answer, tell the caller that you're in the middle of something, and that you will call them back when you're finished.

When I was a kid, no one was allowed to get a call between 6:00 and 7:00 pm because we were eating dinner, or after 9:00 pm because that was too late. I think with reasonable time adjustments for urban adult homo households, those are still very civilized parameters to set.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

'Agreements' surpass monogamy for many gay couples

"It's time to get off monogamy, and back to reality," says author and gay civil rights activist Perry Brass. "Monogamy has become the new media issue with gay men lately—and it has torn us farther apart and away from the reality of most gay lives."

In his new book, How to Survive Your Own Gay Life, An Adult Guide to Love, Sex, and

Relationships (221 pages, $11.95 paperback, Belhue Press), Brass puts monogamy, as a model for gay relationships, after what he calls "agreement relationships."

Many gay men now form agreement relationships, Brass asserts, which involve certain boundaries and guidelines short of monogamy. In agreement relationships, emotional com-

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mitment is important. Brass refers to this as "emotional monogamy."

"Gay relationships can have more flexibility than heterosexual ones," Brass says, and "the agreement gives both men a certain amount of permission to have a more satisfying sex life than they might have exclusively with each other."

Brass admits that it may seem strange to place monogamous relationships after agreement relationships, but in many ways, he says, monogamy is another sort of "agreement": the agreement not to allow outside sex in.

"For some men this works beautifully: it means putting all their energy--all their emotional and sexual eggs-into one basket. For others, it means that one slip off the monogamy wagon, and the relationship is over. So a good relationship, one that includes love, commitment, openness, trust-everything that a promising relationship needs will be destroyed because one partner is just not able to be monogamous."

The results of this, he says, can be tragic. He has witnessed this too many times.

"So many friends' relationships have fallen apart, and years later one after another has said: 'We could have made it, but I was too possessive.' 'He was too possessive.' 'If only we could have held out longer.' 'I wanted us to stay together, but it was not something I could control.'

999

Why are gay men suddenly becoming so torn apart by the monogamy question?

Part of it, Brass surmises, has to do with AIDS, and our fear of unprotected sex. But another part, says Brass, is "the community's buying in to the conservative fears of this country," which, he says, includes a "demonization of strangers, of people who come to us without business or social references."

"In the old days," Brass says, “gay men were often more protective of strangers. We showed more compassion for outsiders.

Part of this may be due to nature itself. In a chapter titled "How to Survive," Brass says, "There are many theories about how monogamy works. A newer one is that humans are not, unlike wolves and geese, monoga-

mous by nature. We are more like whales, who can achieve sexual fulfillment in many different ways. In straight relationships, monogamy is part of the patterning necessary to raise children. Husbands want to know that they are the fathers of their children. If they have to keep their wives

locked up in a tower-or use a chastity belt-to do it, they will. This has not kept men from fooling around. The only thing that did that was fear of venereal

eases

dis-

So if moPerry Brass

nogamy has never

really worked "naturally" for straights, how will it work for those with a different sexual orientation?

The answer Brass gives is "With a great deal more stress."

Monogamy, says Brass, "has also produced a more alienated gay community. We are starting to take on the alienation of straights. In forming monogamous couples even as some gay writers have proposed, in 'serial monogamy' -we find ourselves turning our backs on other men, and even on our own community. It's time that we got off the currently fashionable monogamy wagon,' and got back to our own realities."

This does not mean that he endorses what he calls "brain-dead, anonymous sex." On the contrary, he says, "I want gay men to reach out to each other more-not to buy in to a rejecting, commercially-driven society. And I want them to bring this compassionate reaching out back to their primary relationships, whether with lovers, partners, or gay friends. I think that reality--and dealing with it compassionately-will be what keeps our relationships going for a long time. And I think this will produce in the long run the safest community' we can have."

Compiled by Doreen Cudnik from book publisher press materials.